I almost didn't post this or anything else for this week's Gratituesday. I'm not in the best of moods, and the post feels a little personal, a little raw for public consumption. For some, know this isn't out of spite, but because of a moment of enlightenment. For others, only kind words, please. Thanks, loves.
The Rest Of The Story:
Yea, that's the way to start a post about gratitude, right? Suffice it to say that although I'm not going to tell you why exactly I'm miffed today, know there are only a handful of things that really get me. That's not why you're here reading today, though. You don't want to know about anger and unhappy feelings, but instead about the glory of being grateful to the one that is most deserving. Bear with me a moment, if you would.
I found myself getting angry about an hour ago now. In similar moments I would likely still be hot, probably firing off a verbal barrage of snarky remarks sprinkled with sailor level cursing targeted at the absolute (psychological) destruction of the perpetrator. (Wow, that makes me sound like a jerk, eh?) I like to win (most especially when I'm pretty sure I'm right). I especially like to let others know when I think they've done me wrong, and in days gone by I would have gone full tilt at that endeavor.
Today, not so much.
I'm not saying I didn't say anything in response to the situation. I'm not saying I didn't get mad. I already 'fessed up to that. Today, though, instead of raging on like a momentary crazy (even if that raging was only in my own head, which is oft times the case) I had this feeling that I should just step back and take a minute. I walked away from what I was doing. I sat alone and tried to clear my mind ... just for a minute ... like the meditation equivalent of counting to 10. Once I let go of the hurt for a second, focused on me, on breathing, on the absolutely divine silence ... I felt better. Not perfect, mind you, not even not angry, but better.
That's all it takes?!
My (quasi-rational) self is astonished. All this time, all those moments of intense emotions, all those bottled up feelings, and all I really needed was a moment to myself ... to think ... to breathe ... to redirect and refocus? I feel like this reads like I have some crazy anger management problem (much the contrary ... almost always I'm pretty calm ... too unaffected sometimes), but what it's really about is me being really grateful for the experience today that made me realize the coolest lessons are the ones I don't even know I'm learning while I'm learning them. I'm grateful for the leadership that points me toward the things I need to work on so long as I'm open enough to take a minute to be quiet enough to hear them. I'm grateful that even though I'm not perfect, it's alright not to be. I'm grateful for The Cure ... the silent moment, asking for an answer and humbling myself enough to take direction that I may be the last person on the planet to have figured out.
And, really, I'm starting to feel better already.
Have you read Pslam 73:26 today? You probably should.
For more Gratituesday, please go visit Laura and share in the 'giving thanks in all circumstances.'